Edinburgh used to live quietly in my daydreams.
Not loudly, not urgently—but in that soft, almost storybook way. Castles tucked into hills, cobblestoned streets worn smooth by time, and people who seemed to move gently through it all, as if they belonged to a slower, more thoughtful world. I imagined Scottish terriers being walked past stone buildings, and conversations that sounded like poetry even when they weren’t.
My curiosity about Edinburgh began, oddly enough, on the internet—through a Scottish blog I used to read a couple of decades ago.
It was one of those rare spaces that felt intentional. The kind you don’t scroll through, but linger in. Alan, the writer behind it, shared fragments of literature—poems, excerpts, little marginal thoughts that felt like they belonged to a much older, quieter world. Even the comment section (Haloscan, of all things) felt like a continuation of the writing itself: thoughtful, sometimes melancholic, always human.
Then one day, the posts stopped.
There was no announcement, no farewell—just silence. And later, through a friend, we learned that Alan had passed away in hospice care. He had been quietly living with a terminal illness all along, something none of us ever knew.
It felt strange, grieving someone you had never met.
But his absence was real. His words had a kind of intellectual lightness—an effervescence—that stayed with you long after you closed the page. And now, all that remained were his archives. His permalinks. Little glowing doorways to a voice that no longer existed in the present.
For a long time, I imagined Edinburgh through him.
A city of writers and thinkers. Of tartan caps and long walks. Of people who carried entire inner worlds as they moved through ordinary streets. I imagined Alan as one of them—walking along the Water of Leith, a dog by his side, thoughts unfolding like the poems he used to share.
In 2022, I finally went.
I was visiting my sister in London, and we decided—almost casually—to take a three-day trip to Edinburgh during Valentine’s week.
It was cold in the way that seeps into your bones. There was freezing rain, then sudden pale sunshine, then grey again. The kind of weather that makes everything feel cinematic, but also a little lonely.
We walked everywhere.
Past gingerbread-colored buildings and narrow streets, past steeples reaching into a sky that never quite brightened. Edinburgh was exactly as beautiful as I imagined—maybe even more so. But there was something else, too. A quiet sadness I couldn’t explain.
As if the city held onto memories more tightly than most places do.
One afternoon, I found myself standing on a bridge near Dean Village, watching the brownish water of the Water of Leith move steadily below. It wasn’t dramatic or breathtaking—it was just… steady. Persistent.
And suddenly, I thought of Alan.
Of his words. His silence. The strange, invisible thread that connected me to this place long before I ever arrived.
I said a quiet prayer for him and picked up a small pebble—smooth and unremarkable—and tossed it into the water.
Just like that.
A small gesture for someone who once made a quiet corner of the internet feel like home.
That night, I remembered a poem he once shared. It was a Pablo Neruda poem "It is Born" from the beautifully illustrated collection of poems- On the Blue Shore of Silence:
It stayed with me all these years, and somehow, it felt like it belonged to that moment:
Here I came to the very edge
where nothing at all needs saying
everything is absorbed through weather and the sea,
and the moon swam back,
its rays all silvered,
and time and again the darkness would be broken
by the crash of a wave,
and everyday on the balcony of the sea
wings open, fire is born,
and everything is blue like morning.
On Valentine’s Day, my sister and her friends decided to explore more of the city.
I stayed behind.
Not out of disinterest, but because something in me wanted stillness. I wanted to feel the place without rushing through it.
The Airbnb we were staying in along Princes Street was warm and quietly cozy—the kind of space that makes you slow down without asking. Outside, the streets felt almost empty, like the city was taking a breath.
I spent the day in small, simple ways.
Watching bits and pieces of the 2022 Winter Olympics. Letting MTV ’80s play softly in the background. Looking out the window more than I looked at my phone. Noticing a bird perched on a wire, singing into the cold air like it didn’t mind the weather at all.
I made coffee.
And had a slice of Tesco’s Billionaire’s Chocolate Cheesecake.
It wasn’t grand or particularly memorable in the usual sense—but it felt full. The kind of full that doesn’t come from doing more, but from being present enough to notice.
Edinburgh, I realized, isn’t just beautiful.
It’s a place that gently holds your memories up to the light—especially the quiet ones. The ones you didn’t realize were still with you.
And maybe that’s why it felt a little lonely, too.
Because sometimes, beauty makes space for the people we’ve lost.
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